Having an argument in a relationship is a very normal
thing. In fact, it is a known fact that a relationship without any argument is
most probably doomed to fail. Arguments do not have to descend into all out
confrontation, or fuel destructive impulses. Arguments can be appropriate and
helpful, especially when couples have not communicated their ideas and needs
effectively. This allows them to know
what is going on for each other, especially in a crisis. It can clear the air
when couples have come to a crossroads, or they can be a way of breaking the
deadlock and creating new opportunities for growth and change. This will make you
see the better option in any situation. We are usually blinded with our own
opinion that we fail to see another point of view of things. Yes, even if that
other point of view is way better. So, arguments don't have to be angry and
hurtful - but they can easily turn that way if you're not careful. With enough
self-awareness from both people, there are several techniques you can try which
will allow you to get a point across without turning it into conflict. The
ability to argue effectively can give you the confidence to stand up for
yourself and say what you believe in without seeking to blame the other or
relay a list of grievances
There is no growth while partners hold grudges and
resentments. When you find yourself in an argument, how do you argue fairly? How
exactly can you mold this argument to produce positive results instead? Let find out the right processes into a successful argument.
Prepare:
Always establish some ground rules before everything. Make
sure you know what the issue is. Often arguments are solved before they start
by being sure the people involved are not arguing about two different issues.
Is It Worth It?
Some things just
aren't worth arguing about. Often, after an argument, we look back and see no
real accomplishment. If the goal is not worth the risk, concede before you
start. If not, your house will start to smell. If for some reason you are stuck
with this pointless argument, one of you should remind the other that this
argument is just not worth it. Arguments need to be few and they need to be
about things that really matter to you
Choose The Right
Time:
Arguments that pop up at the wrong time (like
3 o’clock in the morning or in front of company or the children) are unwise to
follow up. This is one time procrastination pays off. Learn to put a discussion
or fuss off until there is no unnerving inconvenience or an audience.
Attack The Problem,
Not The Person.
Do not start on the
offensive or defensive. Never attack each other’s ego. It is very normal for
anger to build up in any argument especially when it involves personal matters.
When your emotions are so heated and intense and you cannot control yourself or
feel impulsive, it may turn into mud-throwing contests and insults, and this will
lead to winners and losers. No man will stand being called a coward, just like
no woman likes to be treated like a slave. When it gets heated up, call time
out and walk away. Return when the feelings have settled but are still warm. When
you are angry, your judgment will be clouded and you will not be able to see
what the better option is. Be convincing and direct, but not persuasive or
coercive. There shouldn’t be any form of name calling.
Take Turns:
An argument has to
be two-sided; if you fail to hear the other side out, they will return the
gesture and fail to listen to you. Refuting a person's opinion is also fine,
but refusing to hear it makes a debate pointless as you leave one party feeling
aggrieved. An argument will stop
being helpful when it starts becoming a duet presentation by the couple. This
is when the two scream at each other at the same time. Seriously, how can you
know the problem when nobody is listening? It will not help either if nobody is
talking.
Repair Your
Relationship Not Destroy It:
it is not a boxing contest. Calmly focus on the point you are trying to get
across and how it benefits both parties and the relationship. Try to work out
an agreement even if there are differences between you. Not everyone can be
expected to hold the same point of view as you and you cannot demand that
someone agree with you without removing their sense of free will. However, be
prepared to make some sacrifices, but not those which would compromise your
well-being, core values or freedom.
Respect each other’s view:
in the course of the arguments, respect the other person’s point of view even
when you don’t agree: Mutual respect is vital if you want co-operation and
agreement in the end. Try to see the other person’s point of view as if it were
your own when arguing with another person. Remember, that's what they are:
another person with their own feelings, thoughts and beliefs just like you.
Agree to disagree sometimes:
You'll never resolve every argument, so sometimes it's
best to give in for the sake of your relationship. The idea is to respectfully
agree that there are things you'll never see eye-to-eye on.
Admit and apologise
when you are wrong:
When you make a
mistake, admit it. Your partner is more likely to respect you and trust you if
you can own up to mistakes and apologise (if appropriate. Admit that you
misunderstood or were misinformed. Being wrong doesn't make you a loser, but
admitting you're wrong does earn you a certain degree of integrity and dignity.
). It shows that you can be vulnerable and are willing to take risks in opening
up. If you hurt someone or your argument
caused problems, you can apologise without losing ground It also shows you are
willing to take responsibility and put things right.
Shake Hands and hug:
After you
both think the arguments has come to an end, shake hands, hug and kiss (if
necessary). Thank each other for their
patience and concern.
By Nana Kweku Kakraba
