No one ever goes
into a relationship thinking that they'll break up. Still, over the course of
your dating life, you'll probably either be dumped or do the dumping at some
point.
When you are put
into the position of breaking up with someone , the situation can get awkward
real fast. No breakup happens overnight and it usually stems from repressed
feelings or realizations that a relationship just isn't working. Before you
make the decision to part ways, there are several questions you should ask
yourself that will make the breakup as smooth as possible.
There may be a
few tears and unbearable silences, but with time and wine, you will both
survive. But you must consider these before taking the decision.
1. Why do I want
to break up with this person?
This may seem
like an obvious question and one your friends will inevitably ask (to which
you'll have a rehearsed response). Outlining in bullet points or even writing
down the reasons for breaking up can help you feel validated in your decision.
It can even be as simple as writing a pros and cons list for breaking up.
This is
especially helpful for those who go back and forth between wanting to break up
with their significant other and staying with them. Seeing your own feelings
written out can give you a sudden epiphany like, "Why didn't we break up
sooner?" And if you feel comfortable, confiding in a family member or
friend who has no personal stake in the matter can help you feel more confident
in your decision.
2. Is there a
way to work out the issues in the relationship?
No relationship
is perfect. Identifying the problems together, whether they be trust issues or
lack of passion, will help you both come up with a plan to tackle the problems. Do you feel like
your relationship lacks heat? Try this 30-day relationship challenge. Are there
feelings of jealousy from either end? Discuss what (or who) is making either of
you angry or uncomfortable. Was there infidelity in the relationship? Maybe
counseling is an option if you both still love each other and want to make it
work. Regardless of
what the outcomes may be, clear communication from both parties will be the
best closure to any breakup.
3. Will I regret
the decision?
Right before you
break the bad news to someone, you might get cold feet. And even after, you may
feel like the villain for ending things. Second-guessing your decision for
breaking up is only natural, but if you nudge yourself to think of the reasons
for ending the relationship (see question one) and you know you both tried your
best to keep it going (see question two) then you will not regret parting ways.
4. What will
life be like post-breakup?
Imagining your
day-to-day without the person you're used to seeing 24/7 is heartbreaking. Just
even thinking about it might make you want to reconsider breaking up. We rely a
lot on our partners to listen to our rants and musings (that not even our
friends would care about) and designate them as our automatic adventure
buddies. To lose this aspect in a breakup is devastating. But things will get
better. Being single
means you'll see your friends more, attend those extra happy hours (which you
would have previously skipped for your SO) and pay more attention to your own happiness and
well-being. It may seem scary, but alone time is quite often the best time.
5. How should I
do it?
OK, so you're
100 percent committed to ending things. The question is how you should break up
with the other person. We've all heard stories of breakups that ended with just
a text or with one person ghosting the other, but when you legitimately care
about someone, these options seem harsh and unforgivable. The best and
least confusing way to break up with the other person is to tell them in
person. The conversation can happen in your home, in a coffee shop, at a park,
or anywhere that is semiprivate enough for a serious conversation but also
public enough so that the person getting dumped can escape right away. If you hate
confrontation and think you might break out in tears during the conversation,
consider writing everything in a letter and then reading it out loud. Or make
talking points on your phone and make sure you stick to them. The point is to
be clear and confident in expressing your emotions and needs.
6. What should I
say?
If you haven't
talked about breaking up already, then you can easily blind side the other
person when you do bring it up. In this situation, you should ask your partner
how he or she thinks the relationship is going and then state your honest
feelings about where you see things heading. You may be surprised that the
other side might end up agreeing with you.
To avoid the
"we're all thinking it, but no one said it" situation, be the one to
say it. If you want to break up and not keep in contact, state that. If you
want to break up but leave the door open in the future, say that. Of course,
you should let the other person down as gently as you can and give them time to
absorb the information, but don't sugarcoat your feelings or the situation.
7. Should I
leave the door open for getting back together in the future?
This one is
tricky because leaving the door open to getting back together might not provide
either side with the closure you both need. It's perfectly fine to both go your
separate ways and still remain in touch. The key is to know when and how to stay
in contact. This doesn't mean you can check up on your ex every week or have
your ex treat you like you're both in a relationship (when clearly you're not). It takes two
mature adults to break up and get back together and if this seems like the
right decision for you, go for it. If you don't find the arrangement working,
though, you'll have to speak up about it and it may feel like you're breaking
up all over again.
8. What have I
learned from this relationship?
A breakup
doesn't constitute a failed relationship. Every person you date is a chance to
learn a little more about yourself and what you want in a partner.
Try seeking out
the positives of every experience, and who knows, you could one day start a
blog or write a book about all your misadventures. There are many women and men
out there who can relate to breakups and heartaches. You're not alone!